Setting boundaries is essential for healthy relationships—but let’s be honest, it’s not always easy. Especially given the various romantic movies that we have grown up watching, no one talks about setting boundaries. In extreme situations in some older Indian movies, if a husband hits his wife and someone else interferes, the husband tells the third person she’s my wife, “I can do whatever I want with her”. Or sometimes the wife asks the third person not to interfere.
Although this example was quite extreme and is not very seen often in educated households with a decent background, the point I was trying to make is that the partner tends to feel that they own their partner in the relationship or marriage. Hence, they have the liberty to do whatever they want.
In order to set boundaries for yourself in a relationship, you must first understand yourself and your priorities. This article will give you a general list of things, however, there must be something that is custom to you and add that in the discussions with your partner where you explain your limitations and expectations.
Here’s a list of what you need to know before setting the boundaries in your relationships:
1. Identify what makes you uncomfortable:
Some people tend to suppress and go along with what makes them uncomfortable just to seem polite. Sometimes you also tend to forgo your comfort, just because it is “supposed to be that way” according to many couples. Identify those things that make you feel uncomfortable before you are able to verbalise it with your partner.
2. Communicating your boundaries well:
These can be sensitive issues or your partner may be old school. You need to force your conversations of setting boundaries over a partner who is not accustomed to such talks in his past relationships. You need to articulate your needs in a way that is not offensive and is open to healthy conversations or even debate.
3. Being consistent:
Once you have set your boundary, however, your partner does not take you seriously and tends to break those boundaries now and then, you need to bring this to their attention. Most romantic relationships can well be built on a shaky bridge that can break anytime as resentments pile up due to lack of consistency or open conversations.
4. Be reasonable:
Now just because we are talking about setting boundaries you can’t raise unreasonable requests. A romantic relationship especially that ends in marriage is between couples who have shared a whole lot with each other. Probably shared more than what they would with their blood related immediate relatives. So sometimes some things a partner has the right to know especially if his or her interests are directly related to it. For example: Finances in a marriage need to be shared to a certain extent. If a wife refuses to share her finances and keeps it for her personal use however, does not hesitate to use up husbands finances for her use, that is not reasonable.
Now let’s see what are the most common types of boundaries you can set in your romantic relationships. This list will encompass both unmarried and married couples or even those who have started to date.
1. Emotional Boundaries
- Respecting each other’s emotional needs and space: Even as a couple you like to deal with some emotions yourself. It is not often you want to allow your partner into a certain space. Your partner may have great intentions in helping you out, however, sometimes only a professional will know how to handle it or you yourself would know it. In such cases asking your partner to gently not interfere would be better.
- Not blaming or projecting feelings onto each other: This is often seen in couples. You probably have seen it in your parents too. One partner bursts out at the other or blames them just because they themselves do not have a hold on the feelings they are going through. The said feelings could’ve been caused by an external entity, but it becomes convenient to blame your partner and let them take the fall for it. If your partner does this with you, you must ask them to stop then and there and not let them use you as a punch bag. You can empathise with them but also lay down reasoning and show them your peace of mind is not up for blowing up with no fault of your own.
- Allowing each person to feel and process emotions in their own way. Often you see that some people go into their shell and not talk properly or for days because of an emotional turmoil. If this emotional turmoil was not caused by you or you are not directly responsible, you must respect their way of coping and not urge them to come out of it soon. Sometimes even if the problem was caused by your partner and they apologised but you need some time to cool off, you can set your boundary there and ask for space. Do not force yourself to start feeling okay just because they said sorry. Make them understand your process of cooling off and communicate what works the best for you.
- Being clear about what topics are too sensitive or triggering to discuss at certain times. In the dating phase there is a chance that your partner may talk about something that deeply triggers you. Let them know that you cannot handle it and explain to them the reason why. In case this repeats, try to make them understand that you were serious the last time. Do not just let them trigger you because you have given up making them understand. Whatever offensive or triggering words are said by your partner and you let go at present will pile up as a huge resentment in the future and bring ugly consequences. And if your partner still insists on hurting you by triggering topics or words, it is better to step away from the relationship, as this is intentional hurting and sadistic thinking.
2. Communication Boundaries
- Agreeing on how to handle conflicts: This is a very important discussion I feel. I remember watching Alia Bhat’s interview where she says she used to raise her voice while talking but her partner did not like that manner. She stopped doing so. She changed the way she communicates just for her partner. Now in this case, as a third person when you see someone raising a voice at another no matter how logical their points are, the fact that the tone was rude or the voice was raised, brings a negative outlook towards that person. Also raising voice does no good to the person in question either. It has ill effects on health. So, if you can see reason in the request to change voice or tone during conflicts, the mature step would be to change that behavior and not justify it.
- Respecting “cooling off” time after an argument: Sometimes some people cannot take silent treatment. They always want the partner to communicate how they feel. If you are the one who is giving the silent treatment let’s say because it is the best way you know how to cool off after a conflict, just make it a point to assure the partner that you are not going to take drastic decisions. Do not let your partner guess as to what your next step is going to be. At the same time, set your boundary and say you need time off or time out to be able to talk normally later on. Setting the boundary here is fine, however, since the boundary is going to be silent, there must be some indication given that this silence is not the end relationship.
- Avoiding sarcasm, passive aggression, or personal attacks. During a disagreement, often people use sarcasm to have an upper hand in the argument. If you are someone who cannot take sarcasm as it insults your intelligence, communicate it to your partner clearly. Also, sometimes partners bring up past mistakes from the histories of your life that you have shared with them to get the upper hand in arguments. I personally feel it is unfair to dig up the past in order to address a current situation. It only worsens the fight making it ugly eventually. If you set a boundary that no personal attacks or history being dug up is appreciated during a conflict, stick to that boundary and make sure you step away from a conflict when the said action is taken. When you step away this shows the partner that a line was crossed.
3. Physical Boundaries
- Respecting personal space and comfort with physical touch or affection: This could be explained with an example of PDA. Some like public display of affection and some get really uncomfortable. If you are uncomfortable with PDA you can always set your boundary. If it is a deal-breaker for your partner (which is very unlikely) either let them go or come to some compromise and limit the PDA.
4. Digital/Technology Boundaries
- Privacy in digital spaces: Checking your partner’s phone is bad manners in my opinion. Some people think there should be transparency between partners hence there should be no problem in checking your partner’s phone. It is equivalent to reading your partner’s letters in the olden days which was obviously considered bad manners. Some partners ask for their partner’s social media password. This is also crossing some lines. To me it conveys lack of trust.
If you trust your partner what is the need to check their phones or social media? You may not have anything to hide but still set a boundary in disallowing your partner to access your phone or social media without first consulting with you. - Deciding how much to share about the relationship online: These days some people like revealing things about your relationships or photographs on social media. However, if this was done without your consent, it is crossing a certain relationship boundary. If this offends you please do communicate and ask your partner to respect your boundary.
- Agreeing on appropriate communication with exes or friends of the opposite sex: Some people may have problems when you talk to your ex while being in a relationship with them. However, if talking to your ex is inevitable maybe if you are sharing a child with them or you work in the same space, some sort of interaction is always going to be there. Set up a boundary on how much your partner can have a say in you being in touch with your ex.
This also works the other way. If you think their ex is crossing some lines and you have a problem with them then you set up a boundary and express how you feel about this situation.
5. Social Boundaries
- Time spent with friends, family, or alone: If you feel uncomfortable spending time with your partner’s family or friends for some genuine reason, you can set up a boundary for your partner and ask them not to force you to spend too much time with them.
- How often (and when) to attend social events together: Say your partner has a very active social life and you aren’t able to afford to spend too much time the they do, you can come to a consensus how many days in a week you would like to socialise along with their people.
- Managing in-laws and family involvement in the relationship: In Indian families close relatives and in-laws can sometimes encroach your personal space. You can always set a boundary and discuss limiting their reach or access into your personal space. This can be sometimes tricky as the elders can get easily offended or hurt by your boundaries.
This is also a good chance to know how much your partner respects your boundaries. You must also ensure that you do not completely ghost his/her loved ones. That would be unreasonable. - Setting boundaries around talking about the relationship with others: This is also crossing boundaries when one of the partners divulges too much of your personal details with their friends or colleagues. Clearly communicate that you would like to keep some things private.
6. Financial Boundaries
- Transparency in spending and saving habits: You can set boundaries on spending habits of your partner. Especially if it is your money they are spending.
- Joint vs. separate accounts: You can decide to have joint or separate accounts. It is not mandatory that if you are a couple you must have a joint account. Communicate with your partner on your preferences and the reason for your preferences.
- Major purchases: If you are a couple and you are indulging in a major purchase without consulting with the partner, this can be crossing some boundaries. If you have financial limitations and your partner is known to spend extensively without consulting you can set up a financial boundary in this case.
- Respecting each other’s financial goals and priorities: Partners must discuss their financial goals and priorities and see to that both are comfortable with it. If this is an issue you must set up a clear boundary on your expectations. Find a consensus and go ahead with a harmonious relationship.
7. Time Boundaries
- Balancing time together and time apart: This is not that crucial as you will spend time with your loved one when you are available. However, sometimes even when you are not busy with work you might need some ‘me-time’ and if your partner is being clingy, not understanding your personal space you can set some boundaries and come to an agreement on how much time to spend together and time apart.
- Prioritising personal hobbies or rest: Each person in a couple has some tradition or habit that they needn’t miss out on when they are a couple. Communicate it to your partner in a cordial manner about your interests and the time boundaries related to it. You can also protect your time for work, self-care and other commitments.
8. Sexual Boundaries
- Setting limits around sexual activity: This I think is a category where many fail to set boundaries. They give in to requests or advances just to make the partner happy at the cost of their own discomfort. This kind of sacrificial love doesn’t give happiness, instead it only gives resentment in the long run. In the long run, there will be a time when you will list all these things as favors or sacrifices, however, there is no benefit in listing something as a sacrifice when the other person did not even know that you unwillingly took part in it.
You can set boundaries when it comes to frequency, preferences and consent. Clearly communicate what you do like and don’t. What is uncomfortable and what is not.
Oftentimes, amongst couples in their teens or early twenties, the girl says yes to sex even though she isn’t willing. This is usually to avoid being called a prude. However, if you don’t like something why give in to that act. Setting boundaries probably brings up bitterness and may even result in break up. This is a good litmus test for how much they value you. - Consent and mutual agreement in all aspects of physical intimacy: Consent is so important these days. If there is no consent to a sexual activity and you are asked to indulge it is time to set your sexual boundaries.
- Understanding triggers or past experiences that affect sexual comfort: In some cases there must be some past experiences that affect your sexual comfort. Your partner may not understand this unless you verbalise it. Make them understand and let them know what makes you uncomfortable.
9. Value-Based Boundaries
- Respecting individual beliefs, religion, political views, or life philosophies: Every one has the right to follow ideologies of their choice when it comes to religion, politics or other beliefs. If you are offended by something related to these topics, politely set a boundary and decide not to discuss such topics.
- Discussing non-negotiables: Some of your expectations in marriage are non-negotiable and it is better to be transparent about it with your partner. It could be bigger issues like views on having a child, choosing to marry and career choices. Discuss and set your boundaries about which of these things are non-negotiable so that both of you are on the same page. If not, you can even compromise on some of your non-negotiable. Ultimately, it should not create a major conflict in the future.
These were the various generic topics in a relationship where you might have to set a boundary. It is totally under your discretion whether or not to make something a deal breaker of your relationship or not.
And if you do choose to let go of a certain boundary set, it must be your conscious choice. Do not blame your partner later on for being the reason to let go of a boundary. The goal here is both must be happy with each other’s choices. No resentments must come up in the future that ultimately gives you the feeling that you have wasted your precious years on the wrong person.
Let me know if you have set a boundary in your relationship and how it is working for you.